Photo (cc) Brian Talbot on Flickr
Wrapping up my Berlin/Europe trip here— 2 more days. I’ve got that antsy feeling that I should be Doing Things™, meeting people for coffee, seeing art, going shopping, anything that I wouldn’t be able to do at home. I’ve been trying to practice more observation of my feelings, especially ones that feel like naggy demon-y types scratching at me (in the good and bad ways, heh). Not always successful, but this time, I discovered something worth sharing, at least to help me process it.
Most of me just really wants to (and has been) totally relaxing since I returned from Kosovo and Erlangen. Outside of recovering from food poisoning and being on antibiotics, I just decided I was gonna chill. Aforementioned voice has been cropping up daily, several times a day, nagging me to go actively pursue an activity. What I finally hit on today, when I asked it, “Why?” was it finally confessed, it wanted to prove something to my community. Look at me in Berlin, aren’t I snazzy, isn’t this the life, look at my cool friends. Not even in the “oooo I’m so grateful” way. Just straight up: look. at. me.
I mean, I’m a pretty vain person and I love to share, but this feels icky. I rely on a lot of outside validation, which I’ve been working on. (My joke to my friends when I’m checking my digital notifications is to repeat over and over, “Does anyone love me?” until someone likes or favorites something I’ve posted, heh.) And I just gave a talk about participating in the culture of fauxwesome!
If I were offline, taking a digital vacation, I know I’d not care about bumming around the apartment and taking 2 or 3 (yes, sometimes 3) wonderful naps a day. Naps because I wanted to, not because I was sick and/or depressed. Blissful-ass Berlin naps.
Of course I want to see all my friends and spend time with them, and I mostly have, and will tonight and tomorrow night. But I’m trying to remind myself that I have time. Breathing.